Girls Against Porn & Human Trafficking | The Pain That Goes With Me Everywhere
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The Pain That Goes With Me Everywhere

Pain of Porn

25 Jan The Pain That Goes With Me Everywhere

Recently a friend asked me about the pain I felt when I discovered my ex-husband’s addiction and went through my divorce. I tried to explain the pain as best I could to her but it was hard to put some aspects of it into words. I told her that the only thing that cured the horrible pain was sleep. At that time, I was only getting about 2-3 hours of sleep a night and that went on for weeks so I was physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted. I did not have enough energy to even eat so my weight dropped very quickly. The thing I needed most to find relief from the pain was something I was struggling to get enough of so my life seemed in constant turmoil. Rest was a foreign feeling.

As soon as I woke up from what little sleep I got and regained my wits the pain was right there again. The pain was a part of me and it could not be removed. I carried that pain everywhere I went and it was so far down deep inside that I could only explain it must be coming from my soul. It was unlike any pain that I had ever experienced. It was a sore, throbbing, ripped feeling that was so heavy I felt it would suffocate me and stop my ability to breathe. When my husband decided to sever our relationship, he tore himself away from me, from my soul, and he ripped pieces of me away with him and left pieces of himself with me in that process. My soul felt jagged and wounded and I cried because I desperately needed to have the pieces of me that were gone returned and put back into place. That request was impossible and I had to come to terms with the realization that the pieces of me that were gone were gone for good. Just like a piece of paper that is torn down the middle leaves jagged edges on both sides, pieces of my husband remained with me and pieces of me were torn away with him. The tear could not be clean. I had joined my life with my husband and loved him with everything I had inside of me so I felt like our life was woven together. There was no way a tearing like that could leave me completely in tact. That process was painful, ugly and life altering. All I could do was wait for the healing process to get me to the other side of that horrible pain.

One day I felt the pain was too much and I could not take it anymore. I was sorting laundry in my closet and I started to cry. I let myself drop and collapse into the heap of laundry and I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. All I wanted was my life to be restored to the way it was before and facing the reality that it was not going to happen was harsh and devastating. When I raised my head to wipe my nose there was blood on my hand and I was scared. During my sobbing I must have broken a blood vessel and it suddenly hit me that I was bleeding over a man who didn’t even love me anymore. That made me angry that I was experiencing such horrible pain and now a nose bleed because of someone else’s actions. That was a defining moment for me and I decided I did not want to put my health in jeopardy because of a man who would not honor the commitment he had made to love me for life. I cried out to God and begged for peace so I could bear the weight of the pain. Peace entered my life that day and the healing process began. It was a long, drawn out process but I did heal in time.

Acceptance that life was not going to be as I had pictured it helped me focus on what my life could be like and what the future might hold. I held out hope for a while that my husband might change, get help for his addiction and come back so we could try to work on our relationship but that never happened. My focus shifted to how good life could be and I looked forward to what life would hold for me and the joy I would experience in making those discoveries!

Trust the process!

Carolyn

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