Girls Against Porn & Human Trafficking | 7/27/09 – Ask Us: Question from a pregnant wife re: husband's porn addiction
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7/27/09 – Ask Us: Question from a pregnant wife re: husband's porn addiction

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02 Jan 7/27/09 – Ask Us: Question from a pregnant wife re: husband's porn addiction

 

 

“I am 9 months pregnant and very sad.  I have been married for a year and with my husband for over six years.  I did not realize pron was a problem until shortly after we got married.  I almost left him then only three months into our marriage, then I found out I was expecting.  I have explained everything to him in a calm matter.  We are both born again christians (we got saved about 2 years ago) and I have told him it is mental infidelity and how it effects our relationship and how it makes me feels.  At the beginning of our relationship when we were both young he had cheated on me which only makes matters worse.  I try to understand that he has a problem and I have explained that it is an addiction and I will support him to get help but he insist that he is not addicted and he does not need nor will he get help.  The thing is he did seems to stop for a few months but it is happening all over again.  I new he was doing it before ! I had proof and I know now but when I would talk to him about it he would lie to my face over and over and that bothers me even more that he can look me in the eyes and lie.  I would not blow up and he knows that I want to help him I love him dearly.  I have not idea what to do, it is hard enough being 9 months pregnant.  I never feel like having sex these days with my big belly but I do (I even come on to him) in hopes that he will not need to look at it and then the next morning he almost makes himself late for work because he was watching porn.  He doesn’t know I know but I have known for months that he was watching it and have confronted him but he just denies it and I dont have the emotional energy to tell him I know he is lieing.  I just live with it knowing what he is doing when I am sleeping or taking a shower or even just upstairs talking to my mom on the phone.  I am so upset I can’t wait to be a mom but it is bitter sweet because I a! lmost left him and then he got me pregnant he even said he would so I would not leave him.  He loves me but I can not live like this.  I don’t know how to confornt him because he gets mad and I am so worn out.  We are having a little girl due July 29th and I am worried that when I go back to college and work and he is watching out little one that he will be watching porn.  It makes me sick to think about it.  I can’t even really enjoy the pregnancy because of this.  I am so lost and need help I feel like giving up and giving in to it.”

Response:

First let me say, I am so sorry this is happening to you. Unfortunately, pornography destroys marriages and families every day. I know that being about to have a baby makes it even more difficult for you. My very strong, first recommendation to you would be to get in to see a Christian counselor who specializes in sexual addiction. You need to talk to someone who understands addictions. Depending where you live we may be able to help you find someone.

God does not want nor intend for you to remain in a relationship where your husband is addicted to pornography. You are going to have to get very strong. Do not focus on your husband. You have done everything you can by telling him how you feel. Addictions are just that. You cannot stop him, and he cannot stop himself without receiving the proper treatment. As personal as this feels, it is not personal. It has NOTHING to do with YOU. It isn’t about you or your baby. Your husband has a problem. It is his problem and only he can do something about it. You have no control over your husband and his decisions or addictions.

You are about to have a baby, and you need to get strong for this little girl you are bringing into the world. As a mommy, you are responsible for her safety and care. You are also responsible for your own care! You can do this! Surround yourself by supportive family and friends as much as possible. You will need their support and help in the coming months.

Only after getting your troops of support together, and building a strong army behind yourself, do you go to your husband. You tell him that you will not tolerate pornography anymore under any circumstance. You will not have it in your life, that you deserve better and will have better. Next, you tell him you will not have your child being exposed or neglected due to his pornography addictions. Tell him you love him, but he has a serious addiction and you and your child cannot and will not be exposed to it, neglected due to it, or live with it in your life in any way. Before you go to him in addition to your army of support, you need to have researched treatment centers and counselors for both yourself (as part of your army of support), and also for your husband. You give him his only option, printed on paper. And you tell him he either makes the call and gets help, or you are over.

As hard as this is it will be better if you can do this before your baby is born. Even if he agrees to help, in order to show him you are serious and not accepting anymore, you should either get him to move out of the house or take what you need for yourself and the baby and move in with someone who can help you with the baby. It is important that you have someone to be with you and support you before you take these steps with your husband. It will easier for you to go through with this and remain strong if you have all of your support into place. This will be the hardest and saddest thing you have ever had to do. But with addicts, until they lose it all and hit bottom, often many will never be serious enough to take the action they need.

This process will probably take a while and I’ve known many who end up breaking down and letting their husbands back home too soon. While he may mean every bit of the apology at the time he gives it with tears and all, he is an addict. Addicts will always return to their addiction no matter how it destroys the ones they love. It isn’t that they do not care. It is simply that they have lost all control. In order for him to regain the control he lost long ago, he needs to hit rock bottom. He needs to realize you are strong and willing to do whatever it takes to take care of yourself and the baby. He needs to get help. He needs an in house treatment.

Find yourself a counselor who will understand what you’re going through and go on a regular basis even if he were to reject any help. Gather your troops of support to help you and your baby. Get into a group intervention program in your community for people who have loved ones who are struggling with sexual addictions. And remember, as much as this hurts, as sad as it is, you taking action will strengthen you in the end. And no matter what, you have a sweet baby girl that is about to enter your world. You focus on your baby. Studies show that babies and children can thrive with even one loving, healthy and supportive, parent. It may not come to this, but be prepared in case it does. You deserve a man who will love you and be devoted to you. You DESERVE BETTER! So does the angel you’re bringing into the world. If you allow yourself to remain trapped where you are, you will live the rest of your life anxious and worrying about what he’s doing, and if your child ! has been exposed or neglected due to it.

Also know that there is always hope for him. But being prepared to live without him is the best way you can help him–and more importantly, FREE yourself and your daughter.

Brittany

 

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