02 Jan 7/18/09 – Ask Us: Question from a male about addiction
“Any advice for a husband that has a wife that has become obese, and she will not have sex anymore, as she was always unable to enjoy sex? Looking at porn and masterbating occasionally seems to be a needed release.”
Believe it or not many men and women struggle with this one. This can be a very painful situation for the woman, and equally frustrating and painful for the man. It could very well be that your wife is feeling insecure and badly about herself. Unfortunately, women are great at eating when stressed, depressed, or simply coping with daily life struggles and challenges. Eating for anyone, can become a very unhealthy coping mechanism.
While you may feel like encouraging your wife to go on a diet and consider your needs as a man, this is probably not the wisest idea.
Chances are, the worse your wife feels about herself, the more discouraged she will become, and the more likely she will be to continue eating.
Unfortunately, the more you view porn the more severe your intimate tie and bond with your wife will be severed. You feel like as a man you have sexual needs that need to be fulfilled. In reality, you really need to be admired, loved, respected and adored. Sex is a great and beautiful way to get this. There is a key to GREAT sex though.
GREAT and fulfilling sex occurs when both parties are not just seeking their own selfish sexual desires, but when they are CONNECTED with the other person. Connection and true intimacy doesn’t just happen from saying “I have needs and I want them to be full-filled right now”; it happens when you truly love someone and want to be one with them.
Being ONE can take time, energy, and a lot of effort. But it is not only possible, it is the most amazing experience! And worth every moment of patience, and effort of love! Pornography seems like a great idea for a quick, easy, “on your time” release. But in time the dirtiness and emptiness that comes with it can and will destroy your life. Eventually you will find yourself far away from love, intimacy, and the safe and security that you can only have in a relationship that offers both.
I would like to encourage you to date your wife again. Take the time to fall in love with her again, without hoping for sex at the end of the night. Tell her she’s beautiful, and have physical contact with her as much as possible such as hugging, holding hands, kissing etc.
This can be really hard for some men and if you only do this sort of thing when you want to have sex, she may be put off by it. But be honest with her and tell her you miss having sex with her but you miss having contact with her and want to deepen your relationship to a new level. If, and only if you truly feel like you can do this, tell her you’ll set aside wanting sex just to be with her in a way she’s comfortable. Depending on your relationship it may take some time and a great deal of patience on your end to get there. But if you are ready for a change, ready to be connected with your wife again, this is the greatest way you can achieve intimacy.