Girls Against Porn & Human Trafficking | 11/30/09 – Ask Us: Husband’s porn addiction; exposure as child
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11/30/09 – Ask Us: Husband’s porn addiction; exposure as child

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02 Jan 11/30/09 – Ask Us: Husband’s porn addiction; exposure as child

 

 

“My hubby has had an on again off again battle with porn for many years. He was exposed to porn when he was 8 years old, it was freely lying around the house. We have been married for 3 years. He has not viewed anything in the last 4 months (after we had gone through our last battle with this where he was viewing it for about 6 months.I stupidly thought that happily married men did not battle with porn so we didn’t have a block on the Internet at home.I was shocked when he admitted this to me. We have an accountability couple who is walking this road with us), but a couple of days ago he managed to get past our filter and watched porn while I was at work. He admitted it to me when I asked him how things had been going for him in this area. I was of course devastated. Our filter allows me to see what sites he had been on and I was disgusted. It made me sick. He is wanting to stop and is going through counselling etc., to help him. We are praying constantly for breakthrough for him.But my question is this: Even if he never views porn again, can God supernaturally remove all those images from his mind of what he has seen? (I feel like all those women are in the bedroom with us). And what practical steps can I take to start trusting him again?”

Response:

Learning to trust a spouse again after porn addiction can take a long time. The important thing for you to remember is: do not rush or push or beat yourself up for not being able to trust him. Trust is something that must be earned and worked at. The truth is, it will take a lot of work on his behalf and time being sober before you can start to trust him again–that could take a long time.

Instead of focusing on the fact that you cannot trust him not to view pornography if there is an open door or temptation, focus on talking with him about how you can prevent these temptations (such as using filters) and tell him it’s important that he has a game plan for what to do if the door ever opens and he is tempted. Such a plan could be stepping away from the computer and putting in an emergency call to his accountability partner. Maybe it is even that he leaves the house and calls him from his cell in the car. Whatever it is, it MUST include two things in order for it to be successful. 1. Removing himself from the situation immediately! 2. Reaching out to someone who understands his situation and can hold him accountable.

If at all possible this needs to be someone other than you. It also MUST be another male, and it is critical that it is someone that has walked in his shoes before and has been sober for a long amount of time. (Years). If he needs to find someone like this he can visit his nearest twelve step meeting (SAA) and let them know he is seeking an accountability partner.

It sounds like you are both already doing a lot of the right things and I would like to commend you for that! I would also like to encourage you. The fact that your husband is talking to you about this is HUGE and believe it or not, half of the battle. It sounds like he does truly love you and wants to be free of this addiction. As disgusting as it is, and as much as it hurts, you must remember that this is not personal. It is his addiction and he desperately wants to be free. It will take time and there may be relapses.

Your pain and fear are valid. Get yourself some support and get involved in your nearest S-Anon meeting. You may need a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen or someone to vent to and it’s important that you have this.

In the mean time help your husband put a game plan together that can be successful and keep the doors of communication flowing. Many programs recommend a time of being sober before sex in the bedroom returns. This has an important physical benefit as it helps his brain to reset from the high it is accustomed too with pornography. You have a right to request this. It is normally for around 3 months. If you both decide to do this it can be a time of healing for you both while you will both focus more on being intimate in other ways. If you are successful at this, making love in the bedroom can be better than you could ever imagine for both of you. Just remember, this all takes time. The longer he is sober, the better!

It is a long, hard, journey but with the right tools in place he can be successful at it!

Good luck to you both!

Brittany

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