Girls Against Porn & Human Trafficking | 1/12/10 – Ask Us: Questions Husband’s Porn Addiction & Being a Husband’s Accountability Partner
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1/12/10 – Ask Us: Questions Husband’s Porn Addiction & Being a Husband’s Accountability Partner

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02 Jan 1/12/10 – Ask Us: Questions Husband’s Porn Addiction & Being a Husband’s Accountability Partner

 

“My husband has looked at porn our whole marriage and I’m finally about done with this BS. We are no long sexual and I’m just so sick I could puke. I can’t stand him being next to me in bed I can’t stand him touching me. I can’t sleep or eat. I’m sick of this crap. We have 4 girls and I feel to them obligated to leave. Should I leave and could this be the reason he won’t have relationships with our girls? He won’t talk about it at all. Matter of fact he won’t talk about anything at all just mocks every word I say could this all be because of how porn makes us women and girls look? It really bothers me. I AM ALL WITH GAP! ”

msdarcy

1/12/10 – Ask Us! entry from girlsagainstporn.com:

“hello me and my husband have been married to just under 5 years now, and he is a porn addict. we are moving it to a new house right now and when i am packing and taking care of our 3 kids he is looking at porn. we have talked about it many time but he will not get help. he said i should be able to help him. i have tired everything that i know to help him and now i am at the end of my rope. if he does not stop soon i am done. i can even have sex with him now.

help me tell me what to do.”

Jennifer

Response:

First of all ladies, I want to say how sorry I am that you are having to go through this. You don’t deserve this and the treatment by your husbands.

Ms. Darcy, first don’t forget to take care of your own health. I think that many of us who have gone through this, have seen it affect our health extensively, and the stress of being in a relationship with a porn addict affects health immensely, whether its not being able to eat, immense stress and/or depression, loss of hair, etc., the list goes on, but especially if you have children, you must stay healthy for them, and keep eating, even though you may have complete loss of appetite. Vitamins, protein smoothies, and supplements are helpful during these times, just be sure to keep up your health. Your husband has to realize and acknowledge that he has a problem first of all. If he is in denial that he even has a problem, he won’t get help, and if he hasn’t hit rock bottom, he won’t be where he needs to be in order to really get help. Just like they tell alcoholics in AA, you must first acknowledge that you have a problem. Your husband must get to that point. Once that happens, he needs to get counseling, with a licensed and recommended counselor who deals in sexual addictions. Counseling has to occur so that they can dig down deep into your husband’s problem, as to why he is an addict, and discover if it could go back to his childhood, was he abused, does he have issues with women, etc., to investigate the root of the addiction and deal with it. It is a difficult thing to go through, but while your husband gets the help that he needs, be sure to get in a support group for yourself, so that you can share your feelings and what you are going through as his spouse. There are free support groups for those with porn addicted loved ones, and information on how to join one near you can be located at www.sanon.org. It is so important, not just for your husband to get professional help, but for you to not keep your feelings squelched inside. Many times, as women, we feel we must be strong during these times, especially if we have children, and are ashamed to even talk about it, so its so important to get support from people who are going through the same thing, who will understand what you are feeling, and can be a support system for you. Men will pull away from their families, their children, as you mentioned he doesn’t interact with your girls. That is a symptom of a porn addiction. There could be a lot going on with that, deep seeded most of the time, is the hidden feeling of shame and guilt that aren’t expressed, so he could be feeling this way, and may not be able to interact with your children because of this. If you have children at home, its very important that your husband gets help with his addiction. You certainly don’t want your children exposed to anything, and you may not know the extent of his addiction and what he struggles with, and if he acts out. Explain to him how this is affecting you, and that you want him to get professional help. For counseling referrals and groups in your area, you can contact: www.sa.org, www.purelifeministries.org (they have an in-house program for sexual addictions or phone counseling), or www.aacc.net. You do not have to put up with this addiction though friend, your husband will need your support through this, but also needs to make the effort to get help and in recovery, and respect you!

 

Jennifer, it is not your responsibility to help your husband. You would be taking on the world-that isn’t your job. You can help him through it, and support him in recovery, but he has to take the initiative to get help, to want to get help, and to persist until he gets through recovery. You can help him find resources, or counselors, which I mentioned above some avenues where you can start to locate some good groups and counselors. The response you mentioned, it is the classic ‘guilt trip’ from a porn addict. They do this and try to shift blame on their spouse, because of the intrinsic guilt that they feel, instead of acknowledging that they have a problem, because of their behavior they turn on the spouse, and try to make them feel the shame and guilt that they really feel inside. You can’t own that. His addiction is not about you-remember that. Its about something deeply intrinsic missing from your husband’s life, and could go very deep even back to childhood, something that he needs to figure out and deal with. He will have to get counseling for that. Just remember its not your fault, and its not about you. As women, we often ask ourselves, what is wrong with us, are we not good enough, why does he make me feel this way? You have to remember, they shift what they are feeling about themselves onto others. This is classic behavior in an addict. You can provide some counselor recommendations from the links above, and places/groups to attend, and provide him an ultimatum in getting counseling. Until they know you are serious, and until they hit rock bottom, they may continue to resist getting help. Be careful if you have kids Jennifer. Make sure that your family computers have robust filters and accountability software on them, so that your children aren’t exposed to what your husband could be viewing, and also, its important that your husband does get help especially when there are children in the home.

You are in our thoughts ladies! Take care of you and your health first and get the support you need in a support group, and your husband must get into counseling-that is the beginning.

Tiffany

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